Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Celebrity Guess: Beyonce's Bitches

This morning, I watched some Wendy Williams before work, and her round table was discussing Beyonce's latest single-- "Bow Down/I Been On."

The song starts with "I know when you were little girls, you dreamt of being in my world.  Don't forget it, don't forget it.  Respect that.  Bow down, bitches."

*crickets*

I guess it's not girls who rule the world, so much as Beyonce rules the world.  We shouldn't forget to respect her and bow down like the lowly servants (or slaves) that we are.  Bravo, Beyonce.  Bravo.



And given her [alleged] involvement with the Illuminati and all that business, I don't think she's joking.  I don't find the lyrics provocative or bad ass--they're just plain bad.  And insulting.  And disrespectful.  And anyone who bows down to her needs to check themselves.

My celebrity guess?  The masses won't recognize the content of this song for what it is, and it will be played on the radio one hundred times a day.

I've put the lyrics below, putting in bold the more offensive lines, and putting comments in italics next to some of the others.

BEYONCÉ – BOW DOWN / I BEEN ON LYRICS
Produced By: Hit-Boy, Planet VI, Polow Da Don, Sonny Digital & Timbaland



[Hook] I’m out that H-town
Coming, coming down
I’m coming down dripping candy on the ground (sexual reference. I guess she's blowing Jay here)
H, H-town, town, I’m coming down
Coming down dripping candy on the ground

 [Verse 1] I know when you were little girls 
You dreamt of being in my world 
Don’t forget it , don’t forget it 
Respect that, bow down bitches 
I took some time to live my life
But don’t think I’m just his little wife
Don’t get it twisted, get it twisted
This my shit, bow down bitches 

[Bridge] Bow down bitches, bow bow down bitches
Bow down bitches, bow bow down bitches
H-town vicious, h-h-town vicious
I’m so crown, bow bow down bitches

 [Hook x2] I been on, I been on, I been on
Tell me who gon take me off
Take me off, take me off, take me off (Someone needs to challenge this heifer and knock her off her high horse)

 [Verse 2] Rolling high, leather and wood
Keep it trill, that's what good
Kiss my momma, show that love
Pop them bottles in that club
I heard your boo was talking lip
I told my crew to smack that trick (who got bitch slapped cause of Beyonce?)
Smack that trick, smack that trick
Guess what they did, smack that trick
Gold everything, gold ass chain
Gold ass rings, gold ass fangs
You can see me stunt when you turn on ya screen
You can see me stunt when you turn on ya screen
I’m bigger than life, my name in the lights
I’m the number one chick, ain’t need no hype
The capital B means, I’m ‘bout that life (and what "life" might that be?)
The capital B means, I’m ‘bout that life

[Hook] [Outro] I remember my baby hair with my dookie braids
Frenchy’s, Boudin in the parking lot
Shout out to Willie D
I was in that Willie D video when I was about fourteen, looking crazy
Shout out Pimp C
You know we used to sneak and listen to that UGK
Didn’t do your girl but your sister was alright, damn
In ya homeboy’s Caddy last night man, haha
Hold up, Texas trill H-town going down, man

Sunday, February 24, 2013

Celebrity Guess: Quentin Tarantino's Ladies

First, a HUGE congrats to Mr. Tarantino for his well deserved win tonight.  And now...

"Love Quentin Tarantino, but instead of all these leggy blondes, he should really bring a black woman to at *least* one red carpet event. #I'm_Just_Saying"

~Me from a previous tweet

Everytime I see Mr. Tarantino on the red carpet, it's wit some leggy blonde, but he currently has two black women living with him, sharing his bed.  And then there was this picture:

Saw this on Jesse William's blog; no idea what mag this is from or why anyone thought this would be a good idea for a spread.

It's starting to come off as a fetish for black women, and that's what's bothersome to me personally.  I don't believe he actually has a fetish for black women (just feet), but for appearances sake, just one time, bring a sistah out in public.  If he's got two black women living with him, I doubt the blonde chick is in on the party--she's just on his arm for eye candy.  And it's like, why not have a good looking black woman out for arm candy as well and be aboveboard.

Look Mr. Tarantino, we know you love black people and black women.  But there's no need to be on the down-low about how much you love black women.  Look at Bill Maher.  DeNiro.  Michael Fassbender.  You're effin' Tarantino.  Grow a pair.

I say that with love.

Signed,
A loving fan [who's also a black woman]

Saturday, November 10, 2012

Celebrity Guess: Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez Split

Well, it's official you Beliebers--Justin is now back on the market.

Honestly, I saw this coming, and not just because they're young and in Hollywood, but during a recent interview, Selena Gomez said something along the lines of dating Justin was good for her image/she was dating him to make her image look good.  Wow, I know.  It's no surprise that a few weeks later, she got the boot...

Except she didn't.


Turns out, she was the one to cut him loose!  Scheduling conflicts is the reason behind it, according to their reps but wow--this gal has got a pair on her.

My guess is this: if one them has an album coming out in the next few months or a film, then they'll magically get back together a la Pattinson/Stewart.  And that official breakup is coming shortly after the movie/before the Christmas holiday, I'm sure.

But Bieber fans, take note: He's not only single, his heart's probably all broken.  Take care, mmkay?

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Celebrity Guess: POTUS and Donald Trump

In case you missed it, here is Donald's proposal to our Commander in Chief:




My Celebrity Guess is the following: That Donald Trump surpasses the meaning of Fame Whore, and that some celebrity (or celebrities) will now offer the President five million dollars or more to his favorite charity to not show Donald Trump anything.

This is clearly racially motivated.  Let's get real here.

That being said, I'll still watch Celebrity Apprentice though.

Celebrity Guess: Brad Pitt's Chanel No. 5 Ad

After giving it some thought, I think it sounds as if he could be talking to/about Angelina, saying his vows or something.  He could have just as easily said her name at the end as opposed to Chanel No. 5.


I know this ad has gotten made fun of and caught a lot of flak, but I actually dig it.  Additionally, I agree with Sherri Shepard--it's as if he is talking to me.  When he looks at that camera, he's looking at me.

Sorry Angie!

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Celebrity Guess: Fred Armisen SNL WTH?

So...

I sporadically watch SNL, but was prompted to do it moreso than usual due to the Presidential Debates.  I had my eyes peeled for my boy Fred Armisen, but...

Found someone that's else playing our great President.


I thought to myself, "Huh--maybe Armisen left the SNL family recently, and I hadn't heard of it."  I check the credits and voila--Fred is still THERE.  And not only is he still in the cast, they often have him in the same scene with this "new" Obama.



What gives, SNL writers?

Fred's had four years to perfect this performance, and there's no way in hell this guy [Jay Pharoah] can (or is) out-shining him in the POTUS impersonation.  Did they replace him cause he's black?

They need to bring Armisen back, ya'll.

P.S.

Matthew Morrison or Gabe from The Office should have played Paul Ryan in a skit.  Seriously.

Monday, October 22, 2012

Celebrity Guess: Lea Michelle Preggers

So, there have been rumors floating around that Glee's Lea Michelle is pregnant, due to this photo:


I have to say, considering how much training and dancing she does for the show, it's hard to believe this is just a burger baby or period bloat.  Apparently, Michelle has taken to twitter to say that no, she is not knocked up with her co-star's baby.

My guess is that she is, and is waiting to release the news until she's got a rock on her finger.  

I actually saw a woman last night who was five months pregnant, with a stomach flat as a board.  Seriously.